Hello, my name is David, and I am a real Alcoholic. I am originally from Lubbock Texas, and I am 39 years young, and now reside in Dallas Texas. My drunk-log starts from age 14, and continued to the age of 35, Thank God! It was a relief to give up my career at this age, and reason being is that I honestly believe that I did not have another year of drinking, let alone survive it.

I am the youngest of 9, and instead of me growing up thinking that I did not want to grow up to be like my older brothers, and sisters they were the ones learning from baby brothers Beer drinking, and Hell raising, and saying to themselves," damn, I do not want to grow up to be like him". I should have a degree, and or be an Attorney practicing Law from the knowledge that I have subjected myself to during my drinking years. Sick as I may be, I have been married twice in my life, and twice to each wife. Yes we were all sick, but I now realize that it was their fault! Then! Just kidding. I saw the real problem, and not a moment too soon. They suffered Loving me, and they did a damn good job of being a Woman to me.

When I read that Alcohol is but a symptom of our disease, I am living proof of this. I have been fortunate to be put in a very uncomfortable situation, or should I say that I finally crossed the line, and have to face the true Malady of my way of thinking, and living. I also took all of my defects of character to the extreme, and lying, stealing, cheating, and of course Sex were not immune to my obsessions. All of these, and I am sure I have more that I am not willing to share with you right now, until I get to know you better. Signs of a real alcoholic Huh?

Trust issues! Well, with what I am about to share with you, will prove differently, and the reason I say this is that no true Humility, and growth can come from Half measures for me today, and besides I do not know who may need to hear my life as an alcoholic. This is what carrying the message is all about.

I have broken the Law numerous times, and have been subject to the Court, and Judicial system from the age of 14, to the age of 39. I am currently on probation now, and will explain later why. My family life was great, so I thought. I was the youngest, and I was spoiled rotten, that this form of dependence proved to be costly for me in my adult years. I mean, they were always there for me, and I can depend on them to save little brothers ass. Well after about the 15th time of being bailed out, and not only from jail, but from Monetary situations, and getting a place to stay when others kicked me out of their homes( usually family kicking me out), and saving me from getting killed, they stopped being enablers, and started being the big brothers, and sisters they were meant to be. Showing tough Love. They have saved me more than 15 times, but I wanted to show you how I depended on them.

My Mother was the biggest enabler of them all, and when they stopped helping her, to help me she turned her back on them. My way of living was depriving my Family of my Mothers attention, and I do not know how much it has affected their lives, and the lives of their children, but I do know this much, it affected them somehow.

 After 3 years of sobriety, and staying true to it this time, we all have a real good relationship, even though we all are dealing with lives struggles, and with out our Father, we carry on. I was a Spanish version of El Smoky, and El Bandito. (Smoky, and The Bandit), in plain English. I was chased down in the streets of Lubbock on a rainy night, made for drinking, and not driving by the Lubbock Police, ( our County's finest), when I was not to be drinking, or driving. Reason being, and as I told you all before, I was on Probation at that time, and had just violated it by receiving 24 tickets, a failure to elude a Police Officer, and DUI, and also ran into the nice Officer's car to stop after I still tried to run when both of the front ends A frames broke. Actually he ran into me! I was not willing to stop. Then I jumped out of my vehicle, and started to run when I heard him yell, " FREEZE", and I was turning the corner heading anywhere, but there. I ran to a nearby friends house where I stashed myself in between his house, and a shed we used to party in. I could hear the Police talking while they were searching for me, and I had this great feeling that I have escaped, but then I heard my friend shouting out to the Police" He's back here". You see, my friend did not know that it was me, and of course I never gave him a clue that it was me either. I was being very, very quiet. Even though I had violated my probation, I was spared my Freedom from the Texas Department Of Corrections.

I want you to realize something about having Freedom, and how I managed to keep what I thought was Freedom. I managed to stay sober for 1 year, and not on my own will, but subject to Intensive Supervision Probation for 1 year, and then back to complete previous 6 year sentence for Burglary of a Building, in which I was also under the influence of a lot of mind altering chemicals, and alcohol being the one I Loved to use the most. You see, I did not drink, because I had problems, I had problems because I drank. Now, I did not always get in trouble when I drank either, but every time I got into trouble, I was drunk.

 I could go on, and on, but this is about what my drinking career was like outside of the home. I want to share with you what I have received from the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, and how I have learned to take difficulties, and allow my Higher Power to really take my will, and my life, and do with me as I believe he has me to do.

Acts of Providence, I have countless of them that I can name, and most of them during my drinking days, but can't remember them all and those have been able to recognize in Sobriety and saw how God works through it all. I had mentioned that I was going to tell you about why I am on probation now, and my feelings on Freedom, and what I am about to tell you will make it all clear for you. You see, my defects of character, and addictions have a wide, and heavy load, and I used them all to practically destruction as it states in the first chapter.

" Merciless Obsessions". Well, Sex was one of them, and I have been fortunate to have used this to almost an art form that it had killed several of my relations, Spiritually, and me also in the process. Porn, for me was my down fall, and rightfully so, it is my reason for becoming the person that I am today. I have offended with my addiction to porn, and have involved not only the victims that I am charged with but also the victims that I have abused in the past. Now, I have not raped, or Sexually assaulted anyone physically, but have offended Females with my Obsession, not only to porn, but Sex in general. I am not a registered Sex Offender, though I am an Offender. I tell you this because this is the truth, and I am not ashamed to share, as some are, and are still living with this and are weakened by this in a lot of ways. We share a 4th step in the form of a 5th step with someone we trust in hopes that we can trust them.

Now, I had to write a complete Sexual History, and with this I was able to see where I was offended, and where a lot of my deviant thoughts, and feelings could have stemmed from, and how I used alcohol to enhance the courage to act out with this behavior. I overwhelmed my Wives, as well as my girlfriends, or should I say the women, and females that I have Sex with both of my addictions. This I have had to deal with as well today. Knowing how I overwhelmed them, and now feel how difficult it is to deal with both, and honestly. Having to deal with this part of growth, and learning to respect Women, and Sex for what they are worth, and for what it is, has given me a chance to enjoy what was given to us so Freely, and no it is not the Gift of Sobriety alone, it is Freedom.

Since the age of 14, to the age of 39, I have not used this Freedom for what it is, and have always paid for what I should not have to pay for, and I am about to be set Free, and it is Scary. 3 years of Sobriety in both addictions, and not taking a drink or Sexually abusing another Woman has giving me the Freedom that I was longing for, and this comes from within. Physical Freedom will become a reality for me next month, and I face the World, for once a complete free man.

Practicing the 3rd Step came to me as a situational thing for me, until I put myself in jeopardy to lose the Freedom that I had never used, by violating my current probation, taking my will, and life back, and went to see my Father on his Rest bed without permission from My Probation Officer. Having to take Polygraph tests, I had to come back, and be honest with them, and mind you, that before I went back home, I made an effort to get in contact with them, and left numerous messages, before I acted on what I thought was a sign from God, and advice from my Attorney. I put myself in jeopardy, and was able to see my Father, and sincerely make a thorough amends while laying on his rest bed. All he could do was shake his head, and give me his Blessings. After I returned to Dallas, and my Father had gone to rest, I was denied a pass to go see him laid to rest. Not taking my will, and my life back, I went home, and Prayed to God to do with me as he would have me do, so I can better understand, and to help me, and so I can help others in the future, and Please, do not let me go!

I had called my Attorney, and left him a message, concerning my dilemma before I sat down to think it all over. What have I done, and what am I going to do before I began to Pray. While I began to speak to my Father, and asked him for Forgiveness for what I am about to do, and that I will be home soon. As I started take care of my Mother, I lost it, and cried like the baby that I had always been to her. I could not, and did not want to think how this was going to affect my family once again, and just lost it, and began to ask my Father to tell me that He Loves me, and to hold me, as he had never done for us while he was alive, and I felt a presence, and began to feel Peace, and began to feel some relief to the pain that was so intense, like I had never felt before, the phone rang.

It was my Attorney, and he had asked me to meet him at the Court House, and he would try to get me a pass to go, and see my Dad laid to rest. While I was there waiting, I started to carry the message to a man who was going to Court for his 2nd DUI, and when my Attorney came back he said I was Free to go.

I want you to know that I was at about 1 year, and a half sober when I realized that I actually practiced the 3rd Step, and left it in his hands. It worked out, and I learned 2 important lessons after this Act Of Providence. One, when you Trust in him, he will prove his Faithfulness, and two, there is nothing I cant handle today that God will not see me through, and I do not have to take a drink over it.

I hope that you will post this, and give me a chance to carry the message. I now have 3 years of Sobriety, and sobriety date is October 1, 2000. I used to come in to the room as Sober D, but now come in as Forgiven. I Love you all, and there is not a darn thing you all can do about it. God Bless you all, and keep you all safe, and sober.

Love David M. (Forgiven)